I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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