You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
