Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
