Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
