you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
