I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
