I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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