I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
