I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
