i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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