why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
