When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
