Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's not a walk of shame if you run
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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