My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
