fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
