she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
