I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
