there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
