dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
