Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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