she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
These tits shall not be calmed
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
