it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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