I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
