4 words: hood of his car
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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