The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
