U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
