I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
