This house was built for laser tag.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
