..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
