Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
