She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
