I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize