your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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