There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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