Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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