you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize