Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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