Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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