sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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