Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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