I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
