I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
