Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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