Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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