Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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