How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize