My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
