Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
