I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
