sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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