then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it's like heaven, but drunker
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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