I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
