If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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