my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
