We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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