YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
